I had the strangest experience in church yesterday. I was so caught off guard by a worship song that began to weep. It took every once of control to keep from sobbing but long hair and staring at ceiling lights can protect a girl. I wouldn't say that the worship was any different than any other day. I just think my heart was.
Let me preface by saying that I have seen nearly everything in church. I have seen my life flash before my eyes as a waving flag almost took my eye out. I have decided not to go forward to the front for prayer because of the violent pastor practically throwing people to the floor. I have gotten so emotionally overwhelmed as an innocent 12 year old in the middle of a mob that I too start sputtering gibberish when there is no other nationality or translator present. Therefore, I'm really more conservative when it comes to to worship and the church experience. I fear being deceived by my emotions, so I tend to be more reserved and controlled in the church setting.
And then I grew up and then I started reading Star Wars novels. I know, insert record scratch sound effect here. Lacy Brain Alert...
Yes, you read that right. I'm about to tell you how the expanded universe is helping me come to terms with my gifts and teaching me the art of spiritual listening. I promise "Lacy Brain" will come full circle here in a paragraph or so.
It's no stretch of the imagination that the motifs of Star Wars translates into modern church teachings. But in reading The Courtship of Princess Leia (stay with me for a paragraph) I found a sense of understanding my own faith as I follow the secondary storyline for Luke's search for Jedi mastery. If you think about it, this young disciple had only brief interactions with mentors to teach him about "the force." As Luke grows in his power and giftings, he begins to find others to teach (discipleship, hello!). The author cultivates a Luke personality that sees beyond a characters insecurities and unbelief to encourage them to feel and listen closely to the force.
I can understand the difficulty in learning to listen to the force around you as it is just as hard to listen to the Holy Spirit as we navigate finding truth in our galaxy not so far away. I have this part of my personality that is not necessarily prophetic by any means but can best be described as "intuition" or "discernment." On a bad day, it comes across as prejudging others, but on a good day it is my ability to see to the heart of someone's motives and discern. The good day version of that is being able to empathize with others and share wisdom. What I' trying to say is that I feel that "the force is strong with this one" applies to me sometime. Not many folks have a Lacy Brain. My Lacy Brain can move faster than the Millenium Falcon and think too deeply about too many things all at once, BUT I view my gift with such negativity that I don't simply "Trust My Feelings." Woah, stop! Isn't there...
Jer 17:9 The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?
Shouldn't we trust in the Lord and his Word and not our heart? Yes. Absolutely! But we were also left with a "helper" when Christ left us after the resurrection. I do not sit still long enough or wipe out the cares of this world long enough to listen. John 14 says...
15 “If you love me, keep my commands. 16 And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever— 17 the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.
Sometimes the spirit speaks to use in the middle of church in front of God and everybody.
Maya Angelou said, "There is no agony like bearing an untold story inside of you." Many of us have untold stories and hurts.
Fill in the blank. They all cut us to the core, flip upside down the dreams we set, shatter the mask we wear, cause us to live in utter fear, find the most sensitive, vulnerable parts of us to stab and slice, force us to crave healing yet live in darkness and shame. If you can't fill in the blank, at some point you will come face to face with an "untold story" that must stay untold until it is healed by our Healer and used for his glory. That waiting hurts. That waiting can drive you mad because you cannot force healing. You have to just live in that slop. You sometimes cannot rebuild yourself because your attempts would be cosmetic and not structural. Some hurts are not healthy to utter for a time and that is terribly lonely. But if you listen close enough, healing can come. Just as tuning forks and reminders of our crisis can rear their ugly head in our happiest of moments, so too can we be healed by the most loving of words if we draw close to Christ and let him heal us. I listened and heard this yesterday.
Oceans (Where Feet May Fail) Acoustic by Hillsong United
Secret tears streaming down my face in a moment of weakness for no reasons...I heard through the lyrics...
You call me out upon the waters
I hear: I called you to this untold story, Lacy.
The great unknown where feet may fail
I hear: Your feet will fail, but I'll catch ya
And there I find You in the mysteryIn oceans deepMy faith will standAnd I will call upon Your name
I hear: It hurts, but I'll take everything to get you to call on ME first.
And keep my eyes above the waves
I feel: Overwhelmed at the waves no one knows rise and fall and push me about
When oceans riseMy soul will rest in Your embraceFor I am Yours and You are mine
I hear: Trust me first, put me first.
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
I hear: I will give you the grace you don't think you have, accept it.
Your sovereign handWill be my guideWhere feet may fail and fear surrounds meYou've never failed and You won't start now
I hear: When have I failed you?
So I will call upon Your nameAnd keep my eyes above the wavesWhen oceans rise
I feel: Fear, terror, insecurity, hopeless, yet hopeful, alone, hurt, angry,
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I hear: Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you REST
For I am Yours and You are mineSpirit lead me where my trust is without borders
I hear: Would you rather be safe in your boundaries? This journey may only be beginning...
Let me walk upon the watersWherever You would call meTake me deeper than my feet could ever wanderAnd my faith will be made stronger
I hear: Consider it JOY when you encounter various trial...
In the presence of my Savior
I hear: I'm right here and I'm proud of you.
And then I feel utter peace for a moment as if I'm sitting alone by the ocean in total serenity, gratefully joyful to be a little more healed than before.
Lacy B!
Monday, September 2, 2013