I almost slipped back into my Persister/Harmonizer costume. I started to get stressed about being behind with my blog goal. How am I going to get to Numbers and Deuteronomy? Maybe I could merge them since they were read in a week. That is better. Maybe I leave Leviticus half finished and write Job. That is WAY better. Let it go, Lacy. Step away from the guilt. Very. Slowly. Breathe....
I feel so rebellious blogging Job having not finished Leviticus or done a Deuter-Number-onomy post. If the golden calf can be destroyed, then I can destroy my checklist. I'm cheating just a smidgen with Job. I read through my biography, I mean Job, in desperation a few short months ago. Reading it again from the other side is so tender for me to see how violently I highlighted in this book.You see, I am resilient, wise for my age, realize that sounds prideful which makes me humble (or still prideful?--There is no spoon.) I have seen hard times. This time my heart responded different. I do not feel rinsed clean this side of the Jordan. I feel ashamed and embarrassed of my heart through the season I recently went through.
Have you considered my servant, Lacy?
I'm pretty sure that is what God was saying as I looked at Boy on Highway 1 between San Luis and Salinas (school was out so of course I'll tag along on a business trip or two) and said, " Then you should quit your job and take a sabbatical for the month of July." I'm still not sure if it was actually me saying those words. That sabbatical turned into 5 months of no work and no options. I was strong while I was on my plan. God calls us to be good stewards and do Dave Ramsay, right? So it only makes sense that after a sabbatical for a month, that you will find the next thing God has for you. 1 month, 2 months, 3 months, 4 months, 5months, go buy and the questions becomes, " Lord of did just talk about praying anything, but I DID it. Now, you are taking everything?" My plan got body slammed on its head.
I tried to keep the flow of praise and gratitude flowing, but I had no answer to my questions. I'm just now getting those answers. I did curse God and it wasn't pretty. Sidenote: You want to feel utter and total Christ-like love from your husband? Watch him listen to you literally curse God and not say a word of judgement, but love you anyways. That silence was definitely not agreement with my crude sentiment, but a wisdom and love I had never felt before. That Boy is all mine! I was not the one who quit my job. He did and was FREAKING ANNOYING! Let's be angry, depressed, and bitter together! Not my leader. I can say that Boy got downtrodden, but never faithless. He was always full of hope in the plan that will turn all things to good.
I don't deserve His friendship.
Right about the time I finally slammed a coffee cup on the counter of the house I was terrified would be taken next, I figured that I wouldn't quit asking my questions and would search for answers in Job. I read...
"Even now, my witness is in Heaven; my advocate is on high. My intercessor is my friend as my eyes pour out tears to God; on behalf of a man he pleads with God as one pleads for a friend." -Job 16:19-21
Dear "Consider-it-joy- verse",
You may have just been replaced.
Sincerely,
Lacy
At this point, I was literally bawling all the way to work and confident that the chemical dip I was experiencing along with a host of other scary thoughts was the D word. I felt very out of control. Most of all, I was bothered by the fact that no one seemed to understand why I hurt so much. Everyone had advice, but I just never felt like I had an advocate. I am so blessed and grateful for that season because I am seasoned a little more now. I listen with so much more empathy. I respect my husband so much more than I ever have. I delight in my time with the Lord. I think people really need an advocate in times of suffering and they look for it everywhere. I am learning just to listen, shut up, pray for them, and direct them to the word.
Christ is in this verse so clear to me. I just imagine the visual of him pleading for grace as I sat in the car cursing god. Moses may have whacked a rock, but I whacked that coffee cup pretty good too. I am so fully aware of the unfailing love and grace God has for my stupid mouth and tainted heart. I really am curious how I handle the next hard season. I sincerely hope it is with more faith and trust. For now, I can rest in His grace and know that Christ takes away from sins of anger, pride, comparison, contempt, and bitterness.
Lacy B!
Thursday, February 7, 2013